I Feel Like Bruce Banner

 I Feel Like Bruce Banner

Have I Always been an Angry Person?

It Seems

That my Psyche

Has been brainwashed 

From the beginning!

Or was I?

I remember being an

Overly serious Child

Trying to separate the 

Spice from the Mild.

But in my underdeveloped

Pre-frontal cortext 

I courted every mustard seed

as a mole-hill!

And thus, 

The stigma of

"Always

Being Angry"!

But today

January 1st 

Of 2026

I AM ANGRY!

Fuck,

I feel as if my Anger's

been neutered

By my attempts

To be the Best 

Version Of Myself.

And I wonder,

Do people take my journey to be better

For weakness?

Have I become a shadow

Of my Former Self

In which my Lady no longer

Recognizes me

Or Respects me?

Where did all of this insecurity 

Come from?

Is it healthy to constantly 

Question and Quantify 

Myself?

Or is just

Being myself

Enough?   

 Am I

Enough.

In 2024 I Changed My Perspective On A Number Of Things

A Year Of Learning And Observation

I think I live For

The freedom of Thought 

And, 

All of it's Articulations.

In the past, 

Alien perspectives have sought

The path of Mulnipulation

In the space between my mind and mouth.

But even through that,

I feel encouraged!

For 

My head's clear 

And I'm seeking more clarity

In this New Year.

I'm putting this Year

On Notice,

The gloves are off

And I now have a Son!

Whatever Set-backs

You had planned for me

Will not hinder my progression forward.

My steps are being ordered by something bigger

And I'm listening to a voice

That resides in the back of my mind,

Constantly making it's presence felt 

Within my recent decision,

 to give less than a Fuck 

Of other's opinions.

Excuse My language Lord,

For your opinion 

is the only one I truly 

hold in high regard!

I just believe that some of the practices 

held within the

Church's doctrines doesn't always

Align with your true

Essence or expectation of

Our Daily walks.

If Man's idea of foul language 

Resonates with your own perspective

Please accept my humblest of apologies!

I just want to Serve.

2025 is the Year of 

putting aside ideals that no longer 

serve me!

A Year of being receptive to change

And educating where and when, 

I can.

A year of appreciating past lessons 

But no longer using them as the blueprint 

For my daily movements and momentum!

I have places I want to go

this year

And I'm hoping that 

You want to come along!  

This Is Life, 2023.

 This Is Life

2023

This is the one

This is the year

In which excuses 

Fall flat along the roadside.

I'm on a path that 

Highlights all forward movements

and provides space for an occasional

inhale exhale.

Feel your feels 

And try to limit your 

spills.

My love is acoustic 

And has been 

The conductor of my life's 

Soundtrack

Since the Age of 25.

I have plans

Peaking through every window!

Plans that garner

A different type of

Perspective. 

I've always wanted to be the writer

Who

Articulated the right words

Better said than done!

Better to fight 

Than run.

But operating on the opposite side

Of The smoking Gun

Is the message I want to 

Reach my Son.

He doesn't yet

Understand

That this Country's not fully 

For him.

 

There are inbred doctrines

and laws 

That directly affect his existence.

Love is not the only

answer in such a society!

Being strategic in who your heart

Encounters 

Entertains the right

Perspective

Towards your own Peace.

Because That is the goal.

Enjoying life

And having Life

Understand the goals

You're walking towards 

Is the end-game.

All of that 

Harbouring on past

That still remains

Does nothing for your present 

Or future.  

I love my child

And this causes me to 

Suppress my wild.

But it's all for the good.

I'm grateful he wasn't raised in the Hood.  

Year Of Transitions

 Year Of Transitions

Click click Boom

And then my feet pushed off the Blocks

Of 2022

Pushing previous projects 

To the forefront

Of my mental production list. 

I felt like I was pulling ahead 

In the race against myself 

and what I could accomplish in a year

Or lifetime.

I was standing on one of the 

highest peaks 

Amongst other creators 

Yelling at them 

And whispering to my 

Own,

Future plans of progression

To climb currently

Unseen Mountains.

I just knew I'd built a far enough lead 

And had more time on my clock

Before life caught up with me  

To pierce my bubble 

With a prick of reality!

A Reality which 

Contradicts the reality we'd

Built over the last 15 years.

But still we walk

On a secured foundation 

But with shifting sands 

That'll inevitably change the direction 

Of our previously plotted out 

Plans of introspection.

And now I sit here trying to find

The connective tissue 

Between how I was raised in religion 

And how I now 

Want to raise Son 

To respect the past 

But also 

Find his own path 

And own beliefs without feeling the pressures

I felt.

Helping him find the middle ground 

between his Asian/Spanish roots 

And my Blackity Black causes for dispute.

Keeping him closer to the culture 

Keeps me up at night.

But despite 

All of these peripheral problem

I only have sight for making

Moves to maintain the progression of 

Our little Family

Going forward

In these quiet times at night!

IN 2023 

I look forward to seeing his face 

And understanding where I see his mother's

And where I see myself in her place.

Either way

It's going to be a different type of race

To outer-space

And I'm here for the journey. 

Let The Games Begin

Let The Games Begin 

Today's focus

is trained on 

Tomorrow's destination.

So, yeah

When situations 

and settings 

calls for my Persistent 

Clarity in the present,

I promise that 

time will not dictate 

the direction of my thoughts.

For fear 

of missing out on 

the process of a life lived.

I want to live damnit!

There's much to do

and "Miles to go before I Sleep".

So I'll keep pushing 

and aspiring to inspire 

folks to live free

in a setting 

derived from their own creativity.

For me,

2022 will be free of

curfews and restraints!

I plan to truly

Touch The Sky 

With My Words.

And when I'm done,

The heavens 

will respond 

to every storyline 

I've spun!

The Silver In 2020's Lining

 

The Silver In 2020's Lining

Mentally released 

From a cage of 

Societal expectations!

Living through the new revelations,

Found in the book 

Of revelations!

Now the whole 

Society's caged 

By a diagnosed Pandemic

That Raged

From Sea to Shining Sea.

It was a feeling 

that blanketed the world,

and while some felt restricted,

I sought out a silver-lining 

or oysters filled with pearls.

Let's put it in a way 

of understanding,

If your career was your identity 

Before the shut-down 

And now

You were furloughed,

Then the 

Weight of this was deeply felt.

Some of us creatives

Who worked day jobs,

Finally felt it 

As a Freedom 

For the first time since 

being an adult. 

But in this midst of this 

general revolt,

We all felt 

the outcries of 

humanity.

Thus 

creating a community 

Of different colors

Fighting against the inhumanity 

Of a Blue Wall.

I felt connected to it all,

As well

As I believe 

It affected Ya'll!

Yo,

The energy was off!

And it all stemmed from a universal 

Cough.

I heard it 

But stayed secluded, 

In my bubble of just telling stories.

The pressure of having 

To work a day job 

For the moment

Has evaporated 

And now

In it's place

Is the focus 

Of fostering my creative 

style of writing.

And negating 

The needs for financial security!

This is how 

I wanted to live life 

in all its purity. 

Stepping Towards Love and Growth

I'm here thinking that Love
should be the answer,

But then
other voices

puff their chests out and 

think that they have an answer that differs.

You're privi to your opinion 

but it doesn't mean I have to follow suit. 

The proof is in the out-come. 

Sometimes, taking yourself 

out of the equation 

helps in the growth 

of perspective. 

I'm not that old 

but age has not restricted me from 

understanding the nuances of 

person to person interactions. 

These tend to be the cornerstone 

of whether one adds to their inner circle,

Or lands on the scale of subtraction. 

I currently can't call it 

for I'm not fully there myself,

and I don't want to rely on such a crutch to propel me.

I've accepted that 

I'm okay with difference,
and am not trying to shut down 

the truth. 

I find my proof in the words of an obstacle not connected.
Who am I to question,

 just,
sit in it.

So I sit here,

trying to decipher the truth and because I love this 

craft so much, I don't feel the need to explain. 

Let us just grow together
especially in this New Year.

Age Of Peace and Understanding

It took words to bring me back.

It took words to bring me back to the Jekyll 

to my Hyde.

The pride's always been there

but

It's no longer a garment

I have to wear.

Now it just sits on shoulders

and plays games with my reactive state

like it's last name's Holder 

And I live in Texas.

But I digress,

Without the need to give 

my Alter-ego room to press

or

 entertain the thoughts 

of 

"Did I Impress"

You.

There's no more war 

between these opposing sides of my nature,

Just understanding 

that each has it's place 

and my daily state 

is not focused on fear 

of an calculated pace.

Age has given me comfortability

in viewing a future 

through the fractured glass of fragility.

It took words to bring me back to 

living for that moment.

The moment that's organic

and my nature 

which in the past has been Frantic

is laid to rest. 

All I experience from this point on

is pleasure in the Pure

and that energy is static.  

 Everything doesn't have to make sense,

I can just wade in the waters 

of not always controlling 

every aspect of my destiny 

and that's fine with me.

Mistakes = Teachable Moments

Allow a me a moment

to Inhale 2018 

and Exhale 2017

Understanding with full 

Totality 

The gravity of a

Past to Present ratio.

Miss-steps 

Do Not Last

And the Cash 

one can inherit 

from such an understanding 

Out-weighs

Anything taught to you in a class room.

A lesson as simple as

Any so-called "mistake"

Is just a teachable moment,

If

You keep your ears open

Your mind a scopin

and are able to 

maneuver pass 

The fear of Failure.

Every step 

Whether Missed or Calculated

Is Just a piece 

in a life's puzzle

to get one closer to the light.

A light so bright 

that it warms you on those

days 

when you want to retreat 

into yourself 

and hide from the world.

Experience shows 

that there's no true 

escape from the light,

"For whatever

happens in the Dark,

Will eventually to come to light."

So,

As for 2017 

It behaved as it should've,

slinging Peaks and Valleys

from 

corporate meeting 

to alleys,

but dwelling on either the 

high or the low 

cannot help the present.

Memory is still the key 

to free one-self 

from retracing past

faulty steps

Just be self-aware enough

to not allow these steps to be trapped 

in the quick sands 

of time.

That past fine,

potentially 

can keep one from bathing 

in the sublime waters of 2018

and living in the present.

   

Views From Inside Out 2017

I seek not 

the cause of 

cautious parents surrounding

the idea of Santa Claus.

Is too much honesty 

too much 

an appeal to the youth?

Thank God 

for questions I do not have to answer.

But without the answers 

the questions still lie.

And then 

who's truly lying?

In search for context in such

contextual driven 

decisions.

A government

we always trusted to be 

a  terrifically 

treacherous 

in regards to disclosing 

its truths.

But now we are sitting on the cusp

of collapse 

both foreign and domestic. 

It seems as if 

domestic abuse 

is not just relegated to 

the so-called 

"super-thugs"

A concept that may not even 

be considered a reality 

as it was in the 90's.

 For such abuses

have always existed out of 

the hood. 

But the candy-caned 

glasses

designed by Fendi and Abercrombie and Finch

blocked the view to reality.

It's hard to blame such a 

misguided

misinformed

socially searching for some 

type of belonging

group of people.

For we all want to 

find those 

who understand and embrace us.

I've just gotten to the point

that 

it's not worth the sacrifice
of the truth. 

The Dawn of 2016

It's situated between two paths

and thy eyes are fixated

on the unveiled horizon.

There's no turning around

for the unproven ground 

is what I seek, 

There is solace in this

train of thought,

There is no box 

that can contain me

and if there was 

I'd want it to negate 

the past.

The past 

where great deeds 

blended into bad and 

bad deeds blended into 

miscalculation of one's true intentions.

I do not aspire to control

allowing the realization

that the past is uncontrollable.

The only decisions to be made 

are about where future steps lie. 

And ideally 

without the input of distractive voices in my head.

Happiness has been obtained 

by understanding the goals 

that lie ahead 

and forging a path to meet each

with head held high 

fortitude intact.

To all who've helped me come to 

such a place

I thank you.

Friend or foe

owed or owe

rich or poor

debts will be collected

and true relationships will no longer 

be left neglected.

Outside The Cage Looking In

Outside The Cage 

Looking In

I choose to just reflect a point a view

And then sit down and

Try and break down every response.

A magician trying to

Organize the waves of the sea

The many waves

Rise and fall

And gravity walks away

To leave the decision of pull

To someone less qualified to place judgment

on the destination of the masses.

Tisk tisk

A task and a flask

To make these decisions

Approachable without conscience.

At least,

 in the moment,

For,

One’s mind

Is now floating on waters

Between

Black and White.

A fine line sitting on the grey sea of life.

Information is not held within

Its pipeline.

Just Polarization of America

In which its value system is the new chew toy.

The same story

Started by the

Black and White

Is now the story read by

brown, yellow and red.

Ideals caught up in the flag

That we once looked up to with raised heads

Has fallen along the waste side

And such notions on

We now Tread.

 Breeding does not mean well bred.

Understanding entitlement is not the language of the

Well read.

But allows for the cutting of corners

In order to get ahead.

The chink in ones armor is

Available for viewing

And the cage around you

Is self inflicted

Unlike the people who are born into it

Without a choice.

Self -Discussion

Simple sentences

serenade thy ears so sweetly.

So sweetly that words get lost in the 

melody.

Ideally 

two parts should move as one

to make a whole,

But distractions

plague each of our 

played positions.

Intuitively I now 

go against my intuitions.

So the curve escapes such 

determinations.

Question lie in the 

cracks of foundations

Ahead of the curve 

or behind

One can only find what lies 

true in their own perceptions. 

Best thing is to realize the 

destructive, distractive nature 

and embrace it.

For in that

lies a tactile truism and 

that truth has the ability 

to teach and direct ones future steps.

Fear is the only road-block

in finding the glitch 

in the matrix 

and unblock destiny's road 

untraveled.

A road that creativity stems from.

It's Time

It seems as though

my flow has left 

my mind stagnate.

For the time

that it take my body to

illustrates it's orders,

that time seems to 

fall less than my lifetime.

Clarity has finally befriended me

and it finds its depth 

in a place that 

I wouldn't have sought.

But a lesson I've been taught in this

race to life's finish line.

I know nothing

in the grand masterplan

and even though I plan,

It's not enough to determine 

the outcome of the race I've ran. 

But a toast to new beginnings,

shall I eat the trimming and 

leave the main for the worthy?

Or shall I hunker down

and  

be grateful for the trimmings 

and praise God for 

any piece of main course

I get a taste of?

TIME WILL TELL.

AND THIS TALE 

WILL FOREVER BE
ON A BOAT
AT SAIL.

The Wine Made Me Do It

Tears of joy

That toy with the flesh

And put to rest

The notion of

Who is blessed.

But such triumph of

Transformation

Transforms

My station of being.

Such station

Equates to reasoning

Far beyond the wrong

That has been inflicted by the

Ping-pong game of

Sing-song strings.

But the truth lies in front

Of a growth

That has been stunt

Ed.

It’s all attached

And there is no wrachet

That can pry it’s

Deadly claws from

The spine.

A lot of that discussion

Of growth

Sits in the pocket

Of certain precussion’s

Points of view.

Eclipse Avoided

Eclipse Avoided

Sick Shades of Stylistic

License has a structured

Destruction

Against human nature.

Where’s the sun,

You know the one that used

To shine before the fifty sh……

Earlier mentioned blinders

Came into mind.

Or Reminders of the future

Because such reflects

The past.

And visitation is not

Sanctioned by the irrigation

System the press has in place.

Or is the disgrace

Perpetuated by the

Money machine

That turns our nation’s attention

To the bling bling

Pinky ring wearing

Hoe directing pimps

Who dress in 3 piece suits

Redirecting perceptions from

The simple truth to what

They want us to see.

Please reach deeper

Please see deeper

Don’t be afraid to leap

Don’t allow non-conformance

To condemn you for being the speaker.

Speaker or speaking

What you see with your

Eyes and not

With your hands

Is never a problem

It’s an endeavor to announce your truth

To the world

And that is the most

Honest act

You could ever embrace.

My Current Thoughts

My Current Thoughts

With such Battles

I feel as if fear keeps

One from picking sides.

It becomes so 50/50

And my question is

Who can wade through the

Grey Area.

That is what life is about.

And no one has found the recipe

For life.

We are a side picking generation

Without the maturation

Of understanding

That it’s not that easy.

But Understanding difference

Is easier then you think.

Its about not following suit

With everyone’s judgements

But forming your own opinions.  

  

Ready or not

Here I come, come

And come again

Into the light

The bright friend

Who has tried to position

Itself on a the right path

And oh how I’ve stumbled

And caught the world wrath.

But I press on

Or press play on recorded

Messages 

I locked away in my minds

Vault.

So on this first day

Who do I allow to pour salt

In this wound of mind?

Knowing the need for change

Is not the same as excepting it.

Like walking when you need to sit.

Age is the key,

Which coaxes me to ponder on

The voice of my father as he preached to me.

The recording

Now

Allows itself to surface

And the words are finally spoken.

“You think you have the world

In the palm of your Hand,

But its bigger.

And God is Bigger than the world.”

So where am I positioned in this Great master-plan?

I hear but not find a place

Because I’m not the normal fan.

Which is okay

For my words still have the power to play

Melodies from Heaven

In ears.

Through your own voice

Throughout our years.

   Fear is still apparent in

Every corner of the mind

But recognizing this

I refuse to allow that nerve on my spine to

Hinder my growth.

And don’t go working it.

It’s so funny

How money plays

An intergral part in your

Development.

Something man-made

In its world-wide span

Has the ability to persuade

Your life’s movements.

Hilarious.

But also bullshit.

Don’t you know

That your mental subscriptions

Allows for worldly descriptions

To seep through and determine

What you are destined.

So

Stop scape-goating

It does nothing

Except amplify what’s in front

Of you.

Please

Find a way

To build a bridge

Over it.

My Sister

All I hear is

talk talk talk

and the fault lies with

myself

for the simple fact that
the conclusion,

I never dealt,

at least

from the cards given to me.

It's like no matter

what comes into my peripheral

the shit doesn't matter

for my center is off.

My foundation is

like a quick sand

although I falsely try to

mimick the face of strength,

it lies far from current truths.

she died

She Died

SHE DIED.

under a armor of self

analyzing everything that

I truly affected,

She was one that got under my skin.

My love

who had so much love to give

and the heart to forgive

the trespasses

from people who should have been

closer to her heart.

My Sister,

my only sister

younger than

but wiser than

the masses.

Doubt is only found in

celebrating such a loss,

deriving only

in the corners of ones mind

in her soft

SOFT

voice.

"Boy, whats wrong with you,

you know our understanding,

we allowed each other

to be who we are

without the overwhelming

influence of family,

that's why we touch people,

we support each other, stop dwelling."

I now hear those words and realize

that kindred souls,

whether family or not

speak to one another,

and all you have to do is listen and your foundation will become apparent.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Family, please don't read too much into this. I'm just thinking out-loud, and you know me. But if you do decide to go there and read this, I'm open to whatever you want to discuss regarding this entry.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Really, what the fuck is on my mind

It seems that time

Is running thin and my twin

Has nothing to say.

OR DOPPLEGANGER.

For the fangs of such has not sucked enough blood.

It's Bloodtose intolerant.

like Lactose

without the messy DNA.

I guess too much blood makes it sick

But not in the

Traditional way.

Sick to their stomachs

In the way that any human being would be

Regarding the segregation of any human
into a group and casting judgements.

My Fathers is a preacher,

So judgements are something

That allows for one’s survival.

Thank God for a father that

Understood that although we all judge,

Understanding the difference

Between what we are taught to question

And actually seeing with one’s eyes,

Hearing with one’s ears,

And feeling with one’s touch

Will get us as a society

To 50 percent of our goal.

The other 50%

Is found in faith.

So save your questions

Unless you know 100%

Of everything.

Which means you have 100%

Access to your brain.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

BUT NO ONE DOES, SO NO ONE CAN.

IF ITS POSSIBLE,

PLEASE, CAST THE FIRST STONE.

The First day of the Year 2012

The First day of the Year 2012

Ready or not

Here I come, come

And come again

Into the light

The bright friend

Who has tried to position

Itself on a the right path

And oh, how I’ve stumbled,

And caught the world wrath.

But I press on

Or press play on recorded

Messages I locked away in my minds

Vault.

So on this first day

Who do I allow to pour salt

In this wound of mine?

Knowing the need for change

Is not the same as excepting it.

Like pacing when you should sit.

Or swallowing judgment

When you should spit,

Age is what seems to be the key,

A factor that coaxes me to ponder on

The voice of my father as he teached.

A recording

Now

Allows itself to surface

And the words are finally spoken.

“You think you have the world

In the palm of your Hand,

But it’s bigger.

And God is Bigger than the world.”

So where am I positioned in this Great master-plan?

I hear but not find a place

Because I’m not the normal fan.

But this is okay

For my words still have the power to play

Melodies from Heaven

In your ears,

Through your own voice

Throughout our years.

Fear is still apparent in

Every corner of the mind

But recognizing this

I refuse to allow that nerve on my spine

To Hinder growth.

I am ready,

Ready to not come

And be where you want me to be

But to land

Where it best suits me.